My friend has cancer how can I help?
Your friend has cancer.
I’m sorry. Cancer sucks.
Right now, right after diagnosis, there is a healthy amount of shock and adrenaline. Layer on test week, fear, treatment, and the logistics of planning appointments and life, this is the craziest few weeks of your friend’s current season.
You want to help, and you’re not sure where to start. I get it. I’m the friend.
Before we get started, you need to consider:
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Love Language
If your friend is high on acts of service and low on gift giving, a house full of gifts can cause more anxiety, more pressure (oh the thank you notes), and most likely not produce the outcome you’d like. Where on the flipside, if your friend is high on quality time and you spend the night before treatment at her house distracting her from the next day’s treatment, she’ll be overflowing with love.
Timing
Cancer treatment is a marathon, not a sprint. If you know just the thing to help your friend get through radiation, but radiation is 5 months away, hold off for a hot second.
Brand/Style
If your friend has never worn pink in her entire life, I can guarantee a fluffy pink blanket - no matter how warm it is - is not something she will, or will want to, carry into treatment.
I promise.
If she doesn’t wear earrings, I can promise the big, pink earrings with the breast cancer awareness ribbon dangling loud and proud will hit the back of the drawer.
Here’s the deal, your friend isn’t changing who she is. If she’s always loved southwest prints that remind her of her summer in Sedona, she’s still going to love them. More so, probably.
How to offer help
Asking with intentional acts of service in mind can be more helpful than you realize. Instead of saying, “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know!” try:
I’m free on Thursday afternoon, if you have a grocery pickup, I’d be happy to pick it up and deliver.
I noticed your summer flowers need a little TLC. Would it be okay if on Tuesday mornings I water your outdoor flowers?
I am free every Wednesday from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m., can I make a weekly appointment to hold your baby while you catch up on your to-do list or take a nap?
If you need a ride to treatments on Mondays or Tuesdays, I am available.
Ways to help
Immediately helpful for treatment
The following were immediately helpful in the first few weeks during tests, appointments, and cancer treatment. It’s important to note not all cancer patients are the same and their wants and needs vary.
On brand blanket: Seek and Swoon
A friend gifted me this tremendously on-brand blanket and I not only take it to every treatment, but I also snuggle with it daily at home. It’s a great option because it’s heavy, but not too heavy, soft, and fits my style.
Cup with a handle
The first chemo treatment I received made my hands weak. While I’m usually a proponent of an XXL water jug, something with a handle was a much better option.
Loopy Case
Again, weak hands.
Beats urBeats3 Earphones with Lightning Connector
My extended family and college friends live hundreds of miles away. With weak hands, I found these earbuds to be the highest quality. I even recorded a podcast with them and the quality was outstanding.
Wig
A really great wig is expensive. My friends held a wig-specific party and helped raise the dollars for who I now call Kacey. Mine is from Wigs.com.
I’ve added the more affordable wig options I’ve picked up to the Rural Gone Urban Amazon Storefront.
Test week, which usually includes port surgery, means no jewelry. Later, if steroids become part of the treatment plan, weight gain happens. Silicon rings have been a way to wear a wedding ring in times it wasn’t possible.
For a myriad of reasons, a zipper hoodie is a must. Treatment facilities are often cold and access to the port is a priority. The Lululemon Scuba Hoodie hit all the musts for me.
Cash
I know. I know. But, during the whiplash of the first few weeks, there’s a lot of time away from home, a lot of meals out, a lot of new medical bills, a lot of things to buy.
Self Care
Cancer patients are the OG social distancers. Water-based nail polish, bubble bath, eye masks, etc. are all great gifts for those who will soon not recognize themselves in the mirror.
During Treatment
Cancer patients have a lot of pride to swallow. We come out of the gate strong, and then chemo hangovers give us a big dose of reality.
These are things that were helpful to me, or for friends I made during treatment. Know not everyone is the same. So when in doubt, always ask!
House cleaner. Chasing a chemo hangover with cleaning the toilet is the worst. Offer to pay for a few house cleaning sessions.
Mow the yard.
Pick the kiddos up from school.
Offer to do grocery-store pickup.
Offer to hold the baby during specific time slots.
Invitations. Never stop inviting your friend to (insert anything and every event.) While she might not be able to attend, she will more than appreciate the invitation.
Post Treatment
The last day of chemo isn’t the last day of treatment. It’s more like the middle. More than likely your friend will have surgery and radiation. And, on top of that, the side effects of chemo haven’t had a chance to set in yet.
Go on walks together.
Get. That. Pedicure. Finally.
Offer to watch the kids while she takes a nap. (The fatigue is still real.)
While this post isn’t all-encompassing, I hope these ideas help bring comfort to you and your friend. Community is truly the silver lining to a cancer diagnosis. I’m grateful you’re there to support your friend.
